KS Rule #7: Have her Back
(and sometimes that just means a good comeback)
We've all experienced the uncomfortable cocktail party moment of being confronted by that person in a social situation who feels no shame about asking an intrusive question... "So, how much did your house renos cost?"... " So, when are you two going to have kids?"... And, wait for it: "So, you're friends with ___. What's the story with her marriage these days?"
There it is. The acquaintance looking for the gossip on your gilrfriend. I HATE that and never quite know how to deal with it on the spot. Janet, Shelley and I have been talking about "magic words" to redirect these girl-code-violating conversations. It's so hard. But so important.
We discussed a few that I need to remember to try: Wow, where did that come from? or You know, I'm her close friend and I've never even asked her that. Or the direct It's really none of my business.
Below is what sparked discussion about this rule. What are some of your best magic words for this situation?
Penny
Support from a friend is something that we all need. We might not understand the circumstances around a decision that another person makes. However, can we recognize what works for someone else might not necessarily work for you, and leave it at that? Which leads to this question; How do you handle a situation where a very personal decision you have made is challenged by an acquaintance who has no interest in the decisions you make? Offering guidance to friends is an integral part of friendship, but it has to be wanted by the receiver (note to self, as I can offer advice when I should be listening). Is there a magic word or sentence to shut down what feels like judgment when the situation arrives? I have had some experience with this: getting divorced with four kids opened a window for nosy neighbours and so-called friends to lay on the Dear Abby advice. I soon learned to change the subject quickly, as I often felt like I was being attacked. I had a few zingers up my sleeve; my harshest was, "Can you tell me how it affects you"? It was blunt and to the point, and I typically never heard from those people again, which was ok, as I don't need friends who judge me. My favourite, softer version: "I am not prepared to talk about this now. How is your summer?." This always sent a clear message that it wasn't the time or the place to bring up the subject, and rarely did I hear any other thoughts on my life decisions once I set that guideline. We can all use more compassion and understanding, let's let the judgment go. On my very last footstep on this earth, I will look back and know it was my life, and my experience.
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you'll be criticized anyway." - Eleanor Roosevelt
Janet
No comments:
Post a Comment